My life recently has been hard. Hard in a way the requires me to fully depend on the Lord, hard in the way that I feel more attacked by Satan then I have recently, hard because I am so not in control of my life, hard because I don’t know the future and that is scary, hard because a huge sin in my life has been revealed to me. The sin? I don’t trust God or His heart for me, and overall I don’t believe in His goodness.
A few years ago, Francis was doing a message where he was talking about the goodness of God. The message really touched me and I went straight to the scrapbooking store in town and used their die cut machine and some fun paper to cut out the letters, “GOD IS GOOD.” I added the period because I didn’t want to add any conjunction like, God is good but or God is good when or God is good because, I just wanted it to read “GOD IS GOOD.” Period, the period was the most important part for me. God is good, period.
I posted the sign in my office wall as a reminder. I loved looking at it and examining the period. God is Good. A couple years ago, I got a new desk. The desk was a bit different than my old one and I had to move the sign. At some point, the sign feel back behind my new desk. I can’t remember if I knew it fell or noticed that it was gone, but it wasn’t there anymore. I did not have the reminder that God is good (period) to look at each day. Also, at some point along the line, I forgot about God’s goodness.
My life looks a lot different than what I thought it would look like at this point. I am not married. I am 30. My last boyfriend was when I was a sophomore in High School (14 years ago). I haven’t been out on a date in over a year and a half. With that said, I am actually content with where I am in the Lord, I love my job, I do love being single (although I would like to be married someday) and I have an amazing ministry with the girls that I live with. However, I believe that Satan has used my singleness to drive a wedge between God and I. Proverbs 13:12 says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” I believe that my heart has been sick.
Although I am content in my singleness and am working to serve the Lord with my whole life while being single, I believe that Satan has used my singleness to drive a wedge between myself and God. The tricky thing is that I didn’t even notice it until the last few weeks.
In the beginning of January Todd preached on Ephesians 3:20-21 and afterward I was telling him that I understand (in my head) that God can do abundantly beyond everything that we can ask or imagine, but that I didn’t believe it in my heart. I didn’t believe that God could do that. Instantaneously I knew that was because I didn’t have a husband. I had believed something that Satan has reaffirmed for all these years: I was shafted by God, God forgot me and is actively choosing not to answer my prayers for marriage.
The results of believing this have been crazy. I don’t trust God, I don’t view Him as a loving father, I feel like I am isolated from the rest of the world and doing life by myself, I am ungrateful when I do receive gifts from the Lord. I am discontent with His calling for my life. There are many more things that I am realizing, but in that realization, I am making a choice. I am choosing to leave the lies behind. I am choosing to believe that I am God’s daughter adopted into his family by Jesus’ death on the cross.
In that choice, I am changing. I am believing less lies and thinking on truth. God answers prayers, God is worthy of praise, God is not far from us even when we struggle, God is still actively involved in my life, guiding and leading me. In believing that truth I am beginning to see HUGE things that God is calling me to pray for Him to do. I am praying with the belief that He will answer my prayer and I am crying out to God in my weakness, praying that He makes me strong. I am again believing that God is Good.
Today I crawled under my desk and found my sign. I applied new tape to the back of it and hung it up again. God is good.