The other day I realized that this month last year is when I had my last miscarriage. It has been a year since I have been pregnant. We have been trying to have another baby for almost two years. We have had two miscarriages in that time. Now that we are a year out from our last miscarriage, it seems like such a long time. I was one of those crazy moms that wanted their kids close together. I wanted kids one right after the other. My son is going to be three soon and in all of my plans, we should have at least one other child by now.
Secondary Infertility is no joke. I haven’t been officially diagnosed, but it seems like that could be what I have. I wonder what is wrong with me and why I can’t get pregnant around my period each month. I feel less than other women who struggle with infertility because I have a son already. However, the pain of getting my period each month doesn’t get any less. The wondering and the worry doesn’t get any less. The empty womb is painful.
However, I am a firm believer that God opens and closes wombs. When it is His timing for me to have a baby, if it is ever His timing for me than He will do it. God is writing our story. It is the most beautiful phrase that the Lord has ever given me to dwell on. He is writing our story.
The first glimpses of hope were when we started to prepare for foster care. We knew that the process would be long, but we were prepared. But God, in a way that only He could, fast tracked us through the process. We finished the training as quickly as one could. I have been so hopeful to get a call, but the Lord has us waiting. We have been placement ready since March 16, but our phone hasn’t been called.
So, we wait. A million times a day I think, “God is writing our story.” We knew that the area that we live in doesn’t get many placements, so that it may take awhile, but each day that passes, I worry more. What if we can’t adopt our first placement, how old will our son be when he finally gets to be a big brother? Will our kids be close or will they be too far apart to be friends?
But I have to remember, God is writing our story. He knows. He has the answers. He knows if I will ever get pregnant again. He knows when we will get “the call.” He knows if we will ever get to adopt. He knows our hearts, He knows our desires, He knows our family. My job is to surrender my desires, hopes and dreams to Him in this time of waiting. My job is to trust. He is calling me to trust and I must be faithful in that trusting. This is not easy for me. But, it is a discipline that I am learning and will continue to learn the rest of my life. God is refining me. He is calling me to be His, to surrender my will to His will. This is how I am practically doing it, reminding myself each day that God is writing our story.