Category: Insignificant Details

Hope. Do I trust God?

Hope in essence is good, it gives us so much. I love the passage in Romans 3: 3-6 that says, “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

I recently had hope. Not a biblical hope, but hope in circumstances. True hope does not disappoint us, it does not let us down. True hope in God alone gives us so much more than we deserve. It gives us a peace and a trust in God’s love.

But I put my hope in circumstances. I let people convince me that the circumstance that I was in would produce a certain outcome. I put my hope in that circumstance and built dreams on that circumstance, but the circumstance changed. It didn’t have the predicted outcome that people said it would and that I hoped in.

Of course I was crushed and I got mad at hope. I got mad because hope made me dream and think things that I shouldn’t have thought about my life and the circumstances of it. I was frustrated and wanted just to be alone and dwell on my sadness.

Instead, God chose to remind me of Himself and that He is the one that I should place my hope in, not circumstances. I was driving to church this morning and was stopped at a red light, the entire drive I had been thinking of the situation and how I felt that the hope that I had had betrayed me. (In essence I was also mad at God for how the circumstances changed.). In the stillness of waiting at a red light, I heard God’s still small voice. He asked me “Do you trust me?” The minute I heard it I exhaled a deep breath.

The truth is that I do trust God with my life. I do trust Him with what He has planned for my life. I do trust His willingness to work in my life. But in the extinguishing of my hope in circumstances I forgot who was in charge. I forgot that I trust someone with my whole life and heart and that trust in Him is what I should rely on at all times.

I forgot that He knows me better than I know myself. I forgot that He loves me more than anyone else. Throughout the whole church service I heard the small voice, “Do you trust me?” I heard it over and over again and I exhaled a deep breath every time. I do believe it. I do trust God and that He has my whole life in His plan. Now I just need to remember to trust Him as He guides me.

The Ring …Maturity?

So, I used to wear rings all the time. Then I had a guy friend tell me that single girls shouldn’t wear rings because guys aren’t smart enough to figure out what finger it is on and if they are married or not. After that day, out of fear, I stopped wearing rings. I had always worn a purity ring on my ring finger and I took it off. You see, I didn’t want any of the single guys thinking I was married because I was wearing a purity ring. I figured that it was just a ring and I still had my purity, so it is okay to just take it off for the sake of helping out the single guys.

I still love rings and found an old one the other day and decided to wear it. After work and on my way to a meeting I switched the ring to my wedding finger (don’t worry there were no single guys around). The minute that I put it on my ring finger I felt instantly more mature.

What is with that me feeling more mature? Like somehow I can’t be mature and complete without being married. Married=maturity. For some reason, I have bought into the lie that you can’t be fully mature or complete without being married.

Paul says it best in 1 Corinthians 7 when he talks to us single folks and tells us that it is better to be single because you are only concerned with the things of the Lord and not with pleasing your spouse. He says this to the singles in 7:35 “I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.” I love that, undivided devotion to the Lord. That ring was a distraction and I quickly took it off. My prayer is that in this time of singleness (whether I just am single for this week or the rest of my life) that God would help me to have undivided devotion to the Lord.

Jesus didn’t come to teach and grow only married people, he came to teach and grow people who loved him and His father and desired to do their will. This is not just for certain people. It is for all of us, even those of us without rings. I think sometimes in our churches we feel left behind as unmarried people, we feel like we don’t measure up or are missing out on something; we don’t always know what that something is, but it causes us a lot of pain and we fill in the blanks with all sorts of things: companionship, friendship, sex, kids, cuddle time, kisses, etc.

I guess my encouragement tonight is that Jesus didn’t come only for the married people (I mean after all HE was single), Jesus came for all of us and I, as a single person, love that the gospel is the same for my married friends that it is for me. I love Deuteronomy 4:29 “But from there you will seek the Lord your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul.” That my friends should be our desire regardless of where we are in life. Seek God, Seek His Kingdom, Search after God with all your Heart. That is where completeness and maturity comes from, seeking our Savior, not wearing a wedding ring.

God is Good.

My life recently has been hard. Hard in a way the requires me to fully depend on the Lord, hard in the way that I feel more attacked by Satan then I have recently, hard because I am so not in control of my life, hard because I don’t know the future and that is scary, hard because a huge sin in my life has been revealed to me. The sin? I don’t trust God or His heart for me, and overall I don’t believe in His goodness.

A few years ago, Francis was doing a message where he was talking about the goodness of God. The message really touched me and I went straight to the scrapbooking store in town and used their die cut machine and some fun paper to cut out the letters, “GOD IS GOOD.” I added the period because I didn’t want to add any conjunction like, God is good but or God is good when or God is good because, I just wanted it to read “GOD IS GOOD.” Period, the period was the most important part for me. God is good, period.

I posted the sign in my office wall as a reminder. I loved looking at it and examining the period. God is Good. A couple years ago, I got a new desk. The desk was a bit different than my old one and I had to move the sign. At some point, the sign feel back behind my new desk. I can’t remember if I knew it fell or noticed that it was gone, but it wasn’t there anymore. I did not have the reminder that God is good (period) to look at each day. Also, at some point along the line, I forgot about God’s goodness.

My life looks a lot different than what I thought it would look like at this point. I am not married. I am 30. My last boyfriend was when I was a sophomore in High School (14 years ago). I haven’t been out on a date in over a year and a half. With that said, I am actually content with where I am in the Lord, I love my job, I do love being single (although I would like to be married someday) and I have an amazing ministry with the girls that I live with. However, I believe that Satan has used my singleness to drive a wedge between God and I. Proverbs 13:12 says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” I believe that my heart has been sick.

Although I am content in my singleness and am working to serve the Lord with my whole life while being single, I believe that Satan has used my singleness to drive a wedge between myself and God. The tricky thing is that I didn’t even notice it until the last few weeks.

In the beginning of January Todd preached on Ephesians 3:20-21 and afterward I was telling him that I understand (in my head) that God can do abundantly beyond everything that we can ask or imagine, but that I didn’t believe it in my heart. I didn’t believe that God could do that. Instantaneously I knew that was because I didn’t have a husband. I had believed something that Satan has reaffirmed for all these years: I was shafted by God, God forgot me and is actively choosing not to answer my prayers for marriage.

The results of believing this have been crazy. I don’t trust God, I don’t view Him as a loving father, I feel like I am isolated from the rest of the world and doing life by myself, I am ungrateful when I do receive gifts from the Lord. I am discontent with His calling for my life. There are many more things that I am realizing, but in that realization, I am making a choice. I am choosing to leave the lies behind. I am choosing to believe that I am God’s daughter adopted into his family by Jesus’ death on the cross.

In that choice, I am changing. I am believing less lies and thinking on truth. God answers prayers, God is worthy of praise, God is not far from us even when we struggle, God is still actively involved in my life, guiding and leading me. In believing that truth I am beginning to see HUGE things that God is calling me to pray for Him to do. I am praying with the belief that He will answer my prayer and I am crying out to God in my weakness, praying that He makes me strong. I am again believing that God is Good.

Today I crawled under my desk and found my sign. I applied new tape to the back of it and hung it up again. God is good.

Memorial Box Monday- The Key

So, I am writing a Memorial Box Monday post from Linny over at A Place Called Simplicity. She encourages us to remember God’s faithfulness by writing down what God has done in our lives.

This story starts almost a year ago. I was living with my best friend Caitlin and her husband Mark. I had been living with them and their first born Hayden since September of 2008. In December of 2009 Caitlin was about 3 weeks from giving birth to their second child, Hannah. In my times with the Lord I felt him whispering that I needed to move out of Mark and Caitlin’s house. The idea scared me because I wasn’t sure what the Lord wanted me to do next or where I would live (it is too expensive for me to live on my own). I didn’t tell anyone what I felt the Lord was calling me to do. I didn’t know how to tell my pregnant best friend that I felt like I was supposed to move out. I just kept praying about it and hoping that the Lord would reveal it to me in a loud and clear way.

Well, on January 11th my boss called me into his office (I work at a small Bible College, he is not only my boss, but my friend and someone that I consider a pastor to me). He told me that he had been talking to the Academic Dean and that they thought that I needed to move out. I was shocked. I told him that the Lord had been impressing it on my heart to move out as well. He said he saw two options, one was to move into a house with another couple and the second was to start a house with the college girls that I minister to. I prayed about both options and finally two weeks later after more prayer I told Mark and Caitlin. (They were both great about it and supportive.

I knew that if I was called to do a discipleship house it would be right before the semester began the following semester (August of 2010). I prayed through each option that came up. I felt God calling me (and it was confirmed by Josh, my boss) that I should do the discipleship house. It seemed like what God was calling me to.

I started to talk to some of the college girls, and kept hitting walls; either they already had a place or they didn’t feel that being in this house was what God wanted them to do. I was discouraged but knew that God was going to work it out if it was his will.

Our God does not work on my schedule. =) He only works on His perfect schedule. He did not do this in my time but slowly I got two girls new to EBC who wanted to live in this house. They would both be moving to EBC. In July, I confirmed four more girls. We finally had the girls to fill a house. But, we didn’t have a house.

I prayed and prayed. The girls prayed. I toured houses every day only to be discouraged by no one being willing to rent their house to us or making it difficult. I asked God to make a way for us and to help us find a place. Every place that I went to many people were also touring the house. I knew that God wanted to do this but I needed him to have someone find favor in me.

On one of the many days of searching (probably on and off for one week) I pulled up to this house. I met the realtor and went in. The minute I stepped in I felt that this was our house. I started praying that the realtor would find favor in us (and me). I started to tell her that I worked at a Bible College and that I wanted to do a discipleship house with a group of girls, that we were all nice girls and Christians. She then said it, “Oh, I am a Christian too!”

From there I asked about the process and how to begin. It was still another couple of weeks (and the ups and downs of trying to sign a lease, getting credit checks etc), but the lease was signed and we were given the keys. So I have placed a key in my memorial box to remind myself of how God allowed our realtor and the landlord to find favor in us.


PS. A side story is about the keys. It took so long to find the girls, the house, to sign the lease and to actually get the keys, I felt like God was trying to test my patience and trust in Him. When the realtor came with the keys she started laughing. I asked her what was so funny. She said well here are your house keys. She then handed me these:


It was the most keys I had ever seen for one house. They aren’t copies, they actually all open different locks. I couldn’t help but laugh as I felt this process was long and hard and then God gives me all these keys to deal with. I felt like we were laughing together. Our God does have a sense of humor!

Memorial Boxes

I follow a blog that I absolutely love called “A Place Called Simplicity.” You can access it here. It is a blog from a Pastor’s wife named Linny who is a “Mom of Many” children (10). She has encouraged me and directed me to the Lord so many times through her stories and how God moves in her life. I consider her a mentor of sorts. One of my Titus 2 women and she doesn’t even know me. =) I have got to send her an email or something (maybe she will read this).

Anyway, she does these things called Memorial Box Mondays. A Memorial Box is a box filled with memories of God’s faithfulness. She gets it out of Joshua 4 which says:

Joshua 4: When the whole nation had finished crossing the Jordan, the LORD said to Joshua, “Choose twelve men from among the people, one from each tribe, and tell them to take up twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan from right where the priests stood and to carry them over with you and put them down at the place where you stay tonight.”So Joshua called together the twelve men he had appointed from the Israelites, one from each tribe, and said to them, “Go over before the ark of the LORD your God into the middle of the Jordan. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.”So the Israelites did as Joshua commanded them. They took twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, as the LORD had told Joshua; and they carried them over with them to their camp, where they put them down. Joshua set up the twelve stones that had been in the middle of the Jordan at the spot where the priests who carried the ark of the covenant had stood. And they are there to this day………. On the tenth day of the first month the people went up from the Jordan and camped at Gilgal on the eastern border of Jericho. And Joshua set up at Gilgal the twelve stones they had taken out of the Jordan. He said to the Israelites, “In the future when your descendants ask their fathers, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them, ‘Israel crossed the Jordan on dry ground.’ For the LORD your God dried up the Jordan before you until you had crossed over. The LORD your God did to the Jordan just what he had done to the Red Sea when he dried it up before us until we had crossed over. He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the LORD is powerful and so that you might always fear the LORD your God.”

I have loved this idea since I first saw it and when I moved into this house with all of these girls, I knew that I had to do it with them. So in October, I told all the girls that we were getting together to have breakfast one Saturday morning and do a “project.”


The Girls at breakfast…Monkey Bread and an Egg Casserole.

 


While at Breakfast it started to rain, the first California rain for some of the out of state girls who moved here from school. (A reason to praise God).

So, I brought out my Bible, and read Joshua 4 to them. I explained how it is so important for us to remember the things that God has done in our lives, so that when we face discouragement, we can look in our Memorial box and be encouraged. I then pulled out 7 paper mache boxes and craft supplies. Our project was to make Memorial boxes.


The girls as they are starting their Memorial Boxes.



We had a ton of fun doing art together and talking.



My Box..I had always wanted to paint something like this. I was so excited to be able to. I love my green box. Psalm 23 is pretty much my favorite Bible passage.




It is so amazing to see how God has created all seven of us as so different yet He loves us all the same. We had a blast doing these boxes and they are all so different which is a great representation of how God has created us all different.



Next week, I will work on my first official Memorial Box post.

It’s been a long time


I know that no one reads my blog and I am okay with that, for the off chance that someone is reading, here is where I am at in life.

One month ago I moved into a house with 6 EBC girls. I have been praying since January about this and after what felt like forever, God did it. He moved me in with my precious college students.

These girls are amazing, but more than that, as a 30 year old single woman I feel like I am right in the midst of God’s will for my life. I haven’t necessarily felt that way for the past few years and now I do. I love that my days are filled with hugs, advice, I love you’s and prayer. These girls have changed me already. God has changed me. I am daily becoming less selfish and more giving every time I step foot in the door.

God is working. He is doing what He does best, being in control of everything. I am just so glad to be in the midst of what he is doing with these 6 girls.

*The picture is 6 out of 7 of us at a Dodger game last weekend.

Derek and Kimberly’s Wedding–August 1, 2009

I have tried to figure out what to write here about this wedding and decided to post the letter that I wrote Kimberly and Derek on their wedding day because it was the only thing that really explained my feelings that day. It is below and long so you may not want to read it but I wanted to post it because of how their love story encourages me. God answered so many prayers through uniting this couple in marriage.



Kimberly and Derek,

Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your wedding day. I am blessed beyond belief to know both of you and to be allowed to stand beside you as you journey into this next step of married life. I have written this letter many times in my head and have always wanted to make sure that you both received it. It is a letter, a toast, and a commitment to you both.

Kimberly, I have been friends with you for so long and seen you grow and change so much through the years. From the first moment that I heard of Derek I knew that this was “the one.” I remember telling you before your first date to not freak out and that it was just a nice guy and a nice girl going out to have a nice time. Your first date was what dreams are made of and Derek created the perfect date and way to get to know you best. I remember talking to you after your first date being shocked that you didn’t even notice that there were breadsticks on the table at Olive Garden because you were so nervous. After the first date, it was reaffirmed in my heart that Derek was the one for my best friend. The second date with Derek taking you to his favorite places was also one more example of the man that Derek is, he told you that night that he didn’t date just to date but that he dated for the purpose of marriage and wanted to guard your heart. While hearing all this I became more and more excited about the relationship that you were starting and how these first dates were building the foundation to a Godly relationship between two people. Derek’s character was seen again on Valentine’s day when he brought you soup because you were sick. My favorite part of this story though was on February 18th when you had your DTR at Salt Creek. The next morning you called and I was in the grocery store. You told me what happened and I quizzed you on what Derek is to you now. I loved that you couldn’t say it because it was so new, so different, and so unreal. By the end of the conversation, I had gotten you to say it: Boyfriend. Derek was your boyfriend.

Derek, I got to meet you a bit after this. You were official, Kimberly was now saying out loud that you were her boyfriend, and you were in a full fledged relationship. We met in Pasadena where I was able to see first hand that you had seen some of the quirks that I love about Kimberly and accepted them. (Primarily that she has to have all the same edition of books in a series so that they all match). As I drove home that night I cried. I cried because that was the night that I knew that I was giving my best friend to her new best friend, that man that would become her husband. I realized that Kimberly having you in her life meant that our relationship would change, but in the best way possible. God was granting her prayers, desires, and wishes for a Godly husband in you, and I was blessed enough to see it all take shape.

It was amazing to see your relationship change and mature over the next few months. It was awesome to have Kimberly tell me that she loved you but was waiting to tell you until you told her. The story of the night that you told her that you loved her could be in any romantic movie. It was perfect. We all know what came next (after the kissing), the night that you asked Kimberly to marry you. That brings us to today, the day that you and Kimberly get married and commit to God that you are in this for His glory!

Kimberly and Derek, I am so excited to move into this next step of friendship with you both. As I stand next to you on your wedding day, I am also committing to your relationship, as you have said vows; these are my vows to you both as your friend.

Kimberly, I promise to always be a listening ear, a friend who encourages and loves you. I promise to pray for you as Derek’s wife and to make the drive to Diamond Bar whenever you need me to. I promise that I will laugh with you in the good times, cry with you in the sad times, and be still with you when words aren’t necessary. I promise to be the best “auntie” I can to any kids you have in future. I promise that we will still go out and have fun girl times together even when you are an old married person and I am an old single/maybe married person. =) Finally, I promise that I will encourage you to be the wife that is seen in scripture who loves, takes cares of, nurtures, and submits to her husband in both hard times and the best ones.

Derek, I promise that I will be a friend to Kimberly who encourages her to stand by her vows that she said today. I promise that I will support you both in any way that God chooses to move in your life to bring you closer to Him. I promise that I will direct her back to you if she is angry. I promise that I will pray for you as the leader and head of your household. I promise that I will be the best sister in Christ that I can be to you. Finally I promise to only root for USC if I am watching a football game with you, even if I am secretly rooting for the other team.

As you hopefully know, I love you both and am so excited to see what God will do in your life over the years to come. Thank you for being my friend and allowing me to be a part of your wedding day! Congratulations on your marriage!!

Love, Nicole

Surprised by Grace

This blog is mainly written because I don’t want to forget these seemingly insignificant details that have happened over the last few days which have been given to me as a gift from God.
I have seen that CS Lewis has a book called Surprised by Joy and though I have never read it, it may be creeping up on my must read list after this weekend. This weekend I was surprised by grace. The great grace that only can be received by God. The last few months have been hard for me. (Probably one of the reasons that I haven’t been blogging). I have felt distant from the Lord and like I wasn’t doing enough, saying enough, worshipping enough, being Christian enough, embracing community enough, and serving enough. My relationship with God was becoming about works and I wasn’t measuring up. But God got my attention this weekend. He surprised me with Grace. He surprised me because nothing in my life changed but He came anyways, and blessed me anyways even though I felt like I didn’t deserve it or should even receive it. Grace, grace God’s grace. I still don’t get why He did it, but I know that it changed things with me. I feel different than I did last Thursday. The guilt and regret has gone and grace and mercy have filled those places in my heart and mind. I am worthy because God considers me His daughter. He has granted me grace in spite of my sinfulness.
Grace came in many different forms. Here are just a few:
Grace in seeing my best friend get married to the most amazing perfect for her man, who swept her off of her feet and is God’s tangible answer to her years of prayers.
Grace came in a long conversation with someone I didn’t know before Friday but that encouraged me in ways I wasn’t anticipating.
Grace in two sweet worship songs that I sung at the top of my lungs on my drive home from the wedding which included the lines: “your love is deeper than my view of grace, higher than this worldly place, longer than the road I travel, wider than the gap you fill” and “you make all things work together for my good, you stay the same through the ages, your love never changes, there may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning, and when the ocean’s rage I don’t have to be afraid because I know that you love me and your love never fails.”
Grace in the amazing sunset surrounded me with as I was singing at the top of my lungs about His grace and His love.
Grace in the way that the mountains looked as I drove into Simi Valley.
In the grace that I received from God I found Hope. Hope that I was lacking in the past few months. I lost hope, and now I have it again, but not the silly hope based on feelings, but the hope that comes from knowing that I have a heavenly Father who loves me enough to send His Son to die on the cross for my sins the ultimate grace. Grace provides hope, and hope is like a cold gust of wind on a terrifically hot day.

Wow! It’s been awhile.

I can’t believe that it has almost been a year since I have blogged. So many things have happened in the last 10 months.
Caitlin and I starting making cupcakes…amazing cupcakes that we give to people and that we eat when we are hungry. We get all the ideas from a cute cupcake book but we have a blast making them!

These ones have chocolate butterflies on top that we made.
Pumpkins!
Snowman Families!
Josh and Ali got married!! November 22, 2008! They met at EBC and I had the pleasure to be involved in Ali’s life as her DLAB leader! It was a great day!

I had an amazing DLAB with these girls! I love them all so much!!!

This is our Christmas tree at home (Simi Valley) It was so fun to pick it out with Mark and Caitlin!

Hayden sitting on my bed around Christmas time! He is so cute!

Steve and Nadia  got married on January 2, 2009!!!! I got to see every aspect of their relationship as I walked with Nadia! Their wedding was beautiful and tearful (I was a mess) and I was so proud of her that day!

We made Gluten Free Cupcakes with Susan!!! They were delicious!!!

Laura Beuving and I at the 2nd Annual EBC Mini Golf Tournament

I got to go to Portland to see Geoff and Stacy in April! Bella is getting so big!! It was fun to be with my family again. I miss them a ton!

Geoff and Stacy at the Wedding!!

Ashley and Coty at their Wedding! April 4. 2009! Ashley was in my Bible Study and then moved to Portland with the church plant. They have since moved back to Moorpark and I get to see her every now and again at church.


One more picture of Bella! She is so precious. I absolutely love the pigtails. A great reader at such a young age! =)

Susan and I on an adventure to Santa Monica.

Dannie and Summer at the Getty with their new tattoos! My quote, “You know those are forever right?”


My Spring DLAB with Michelle and Kiara.

My Birthday Surprise from the EBC Office on my 29th! They were so delicious!!!


Hannah and Kris got married on July 11, 2009. What an amazing day! I have been walking with Hannah for 2 years now and it was so fun to see her finally marry her best friend!


Hannah and I on her big day! A note on this dress. You will see it in all 3 Summer 2009 weddings. I wanted a new dress to go to all these weddings in and I figured because no one would be at all three that it was a perfect excuse to buy a dress I really love. God completely blessed me in my shopping and at the last minute I found a dress that I felt great in and that I loved. God is in all the insignificant details, even the ones that involve black, white, and red dresses.


Sarah and I in Pittsburgh at Primanti Bros. Great sandwiches jammed with fries and coleslaw.

The Centre Market in Wheeling, West Virginia! It was so great to be in someplace so historic!

The waterfront in Wheeling!

Momentum 2009. Always one of the best weeks of my year. This year was no exception. I had a great time connecting with “old’ friends from CE National. This is picture of Fee and if you know me you know that I love worshipping with Fee. The guys not only are great musicians but love the Lord and desire for all the glory to go to God in everything that they do.


The Duquesne Incline…A funicular of sorts. It gave a great look at Pittsburgh!

Jeffrey and Stephanie…July 26, 2009. Stephanie was my college roommate! It was a fun Santa Barbara wedding!

Me with Jeffrey and Stephanie! It was fun to coordinate their reception and be able to serve them in that way. I really enjoyed it!

So there is more on the way…this past weekend was Kimberly’s wedding. Also, a post on grace. I am writing it right now. I will post more soon!

I want a Jim Halpert…or do I?

Shortly after the conclusion of the season premiere of The Office I was hit with this thought, “I want a Jim Halpert in my life.” In this episode Jim proposed to Pam after roughly 4 years of him liking her. Their relationship is fun, flirty, sarcastic, and ultimately romantic. It took time, and there were obstacles in the way, but they finally got engaged.

Directly after I thought, “I want a Jim Halpert in my life.” I thought “But you don’t want a husband.” If you know me you know that I feel that singleness is my biggest blessing and my biggest curse in my life. I feel that one of the biggest points of confusion in my life is how often I go back and forth between desiring after a relationship and believing that I am not going to be in one (or am not called by God to be in one).

I guess it makes me question whether or not I am actually content in my walk with the Lord, or if I am just being wishy washy in my thoughts, and convictions. After pondering here, while typing and talking to Hannah about it, I have come to this. I don’t believe that either statement I made is false. (That reminds me of Dwight). I believe that both of them are authentically me. I do wish to be in a relationship (or engaged) I also don’t want a husband (ie: to be married). Keep in mind that I don’t plan to date just to date but to date for the purpose of marriage. With all this in mind I do want to date or be engaged and I don’t want it at the same time, it’s confusing but I am okay with that.

I do believe that someday the Lord may potentially bless me with a marriage. However, I don’t feel like that time is right now, but that doesn’t stop the nagging feeling that I would like to be “liked” or engaged, but I am content with knowing that it may not happen right now, or that it may not happen at all. God is my ultimate authority and though I don’t believe He has said no to marriage, it is not happening right now this minute in my life.

So, I do want a Jim Halpert in my life, and I don’t want to be married right now, and I am okay with both of those thoughts being in my head at the same time. I am still content. God is still in charge.