Category: Insignificant Details

20 Days

It has been 20 days. 20 days since you said “I really like you” and I said, “I really like you too.” Some of the newness has worn off, but the feeling that this may be forever hasn’t.

I am surprised by the things that I forget when I am with you. Recently, I have forgotten that you are one of my best friends who I can tell anything to. I forget that I love talking with you and sharing with you what is going on inside my heart. I am sorry that I don’t give you information as readily as I should. I never thought communication would be hard for me but it is.

I learned that today when you asked me what drinks I wanted at my birthday. I knew right away what I wanted, but debated in my head whether or not to tell you. I didn’t know if I should tell you because I didn’t want to inconvenience you at all. I ended up telling you exactly what I wanted and it hit me, I don’t have to do life all by myself anymore.

For so long if I wanted something I had to figure out how to do it. Now, I have someone who wants to do nice things for me. I am slowly figuring out that I don’t have to do everything on my own. It is freeing and scary at the same time. I know it will take me awhile to figure out that you want to do both normal and nice things for me.

I appreciate your kindness as I rebuild my worldview. Having one person care for me like you do will take some time to get used to.

It has been 20 days. We have seen each other for each of those 20 days and honestly I don’t know how I am going to go for one day not seeing you. I am glad that I don’t have to find out for 18 more days.

When do I do my laundry?

So approximately 11 days ago I got a boyfriend. Life has changed so much since that point. There have been amazing changes but I am now beginning to see some problems in my coupledom. Here are three that I have found so far.

1. I don’t know when to do laundry. For some reason, I can’t figure this one out. I remember that before I was a couple I used to do it on Saturdays or Sundays. Since I have been a couple I have been with him for most of the day Saturday and Sunday, usually at his house. I WILL NOT ever do laundry at a boy’s house. That only leaves me with weekdays. However, I am with him during work, during lunch and most of the time after work. I get home late and have no desire to do laundry. So, when do I do it?

2. My busy schedule just got doubled. Turns out my boyfriend is very busy as well. We are now meshing our two schedules into one and that leaves us leaving certain events early and arriving at certain events late. We are now trying to function with one calendar. It is challenging to say the least, but in the 11 days so far we have made it work.

3. Similar to the laundry problem, I am not sure when to grocery shop anymore. I used to go at lunch time or after work. I used to plan it out and go to different stores. I was a machine. I now can’t figure out when I should go. This has resulted in me eating out a lot because I don’t actually have food in my own house.

So the boyfriend and I talked about my need to do laundry (I brought it up, don’t worry I wasn’t smelly yet). We figured out a time that would work out for me to do it at my home when he was over. So, last night I did laundry…now I just need to figure out when I can put it all away.

Part One

“So I don’t want you to be stressed anymore.” said the boy.

The girl didn’t know what was about to happen or how life was about to change. She had years of broken hearts, unrequited longing and loneliness. Over the past two months her heart had opened again. She could talk, laugh and share things with the boy that she hadn’t been able to in the past.

The boy wasn’t her “type,” he wasn’t what she was looking for or expecting and that is why she started opening up. She felt comfortable with him and didn’t view him as a threat. She was honest with him and completely herself. They both loved Jesus and served the Lord together.

Two months ago there was a talk, a three hour talk where both the boy and the girl wanted to know more about the other. A three hour talk that they each shared their lives with one another, they talked about where they had come from and how it led them to where they are now.

The next week they talked again for an hour and a half until the girl got scared that if she stayed longer that she would never want to leave. She knew that she liked the boy but couldn’t allow herself to believe that maybe the boy might be interested in her.

The friendship between the boy and girl continued and they started relying on each other more in their service to the Lord. They also started communicating more through text message. The girl praying the whole time that God would take the feelings that she had away. Prayers that went unanswered.

The girl and boy planned an event together, working together seamlessly and having fun serving their guests and helping each other in the kitchen. After the event the boy started to spend more time complimenting the girl. She ignored the compliments but wondered, “Could he actually mean them? Does he actually feel like I do?”

The girl started to worry and stress out more than she should. She found her heart racing and was unable to eat or take care of herself very well due to stress. The boy took care of her the best that he could. She blamed it on the stress at work, but the boy knew. He knew she was stressed about him which a week later led to the sentence, “So I don’t want you to be stressed anymore.”

I’ll be found in You

when the world has fallen out from under me I’ll be found in you, still standing When the sky rolls up and the mountains fall on their knees when time and space are through I’ll be found in you

Those are lyrics from Shadowfeet a song by Brooke Fraser. Lately my world has kind of changed a lot and although it is great and I am excited about where God has me, it is so challenging and hard. I feel like my worldview has been rocked to the core and so much that I have believed about myself for years is having to change quickly.

It is the best possible thing that God has done for me recently. He is calling me to live as He sees me not as how I see myself. Honestly, it has been stressful and overwhelming. Each day I am working through another insecurity, fear, or lie that I have believed for so many years. I feel that this is one of the side effects of being single for so long. I didn’t have anyone to tell me that I was believing lies because mostly I didn’t tell people the extent of the lies that I have believed.

This morning I was reminded of this song. I think I have listened to it 10 times so far this morning. I needed the reminder that no matter how much my worldview is being rocked, I can still be found in God. He is bigger than my worldview, He is bigger than my insecurities or fears. The song goes on to say, “You make all things new.” That is what He is doing in me right now, He is making me new. I just need to remember to be found in Christ alone. Through Him I can stand on a firm foundation, not on the foundation that is being rocked, but one that is firm and solid. This brings me peace. God is changing me but He is with me in the changes. He is allowing me to still be standing. He is loving me right now, and I need to rest in His love.

Six Days

In six days you have wrecked my worldview. In six days you have destroyed thoughts that I have had for too many years to count. In six days you have shattered any stereotypes that I had about guys in my head. In six days we have been though mountains and valleys of emotions. In six days I have never felt so wanted and cared for. In six days I have never felt so cherished.

Six days. It isn’t a very long time, but it seems like it has been forever. I can’t remember what seven days ago felt like. I can’t remember how it felt not telling you everything I was thinking. I can’t remember what it was like not missing you. I can’t remember not feeling secure. I can’t remember what it felt like not to hug you or hold your hand, or feel your hand on my neck.

In six days I have changed more and been more confused and at peace then ever before. In six days my life now makes perfect sense and doesn’t make any sense at all. In six days I have never seen God work as much as He has this week.

In six days I have fallen for you. In six days I feel like I see my future for the first time ever, and it is a future with you, with your assurance, with your wisdom, with your prayers, with your touch. In six days I have told you more than any other person ever. In six days I have been more vulnerable, more insecure and more peaceful than ever before.

In six days I have seen more patience, kindness and compassion from you than I have ever seen in anyone. In six days I have seen your eyes change when you look at me and have seen them begging me to see myself how you see me.

In six days everything that I knew about myself has changed. You have changed my life.

In the past six days I have had countless people tell me that I am in love. In six days I have started to believe them.

You Said We

You Said We.

We were talking about the wedding and you said, “I figured we could go and you could dance and then we could leave and go to LA.” We. We could leave. Together was implied. You said we could leave together.

It was a big deal, because you were talking about a family event, one that WE would attend together if possible. A FAMILY EVENT!

I have to tell you that it took my breath away. I have been so hoping that you were on the same page as me and with that WE I knew that we may be on the same page. If you would have seen me you would have seen my eyes get big, my hand go to my mouth and me mouthing, “He said we could leave, WE.”

It surprised me but honestly, I am hoping for a lot more we’s in the days and months ahead.

The Things I Would Say to You

There is so much to say, so much I can’t say because of timing and opportunity.

I guess I can start here: I like you. I don’t admit that often because after years of heartbreak and sadness not admitting it is easier than admitting it when it all crashes down and my heart is broken.

I am so scared. Not because you are scary but because you could break my heart and my heart is tired of being broken. I am also afraid that you don’t like me back and that I have misread all of the signs.

I am so hopeful. I am hopeful that you feel somewhat the same to what I feel. I am hopeful that I haven’t read you wrong and that you are hopeful that you haven’t read me wrong.

I am holding back. I honestly want to tell you everything every time I see you but I know it isn’t appropriate.

I get butterflies every time you compliment me. I am not used to being complimented by guys. I usually ignore it but when you compliment me I read it time and time again. I kind of believe you too.

I trust you. I know that you are thinking. I know that you are logical. I know that you probably have a plan and although I don’t know what it is I trust you.

You surprised me. I wasn’t expecting you and I didn’t plan on every having feelings for you.

I tried to pray you away. For weeks I have been praying that my feelings would go away. They haven’t. I got mad at God about that, but they haven’t left.

I used to think that we were too similar to date. Honestly, now I feel that we compliment each other so well due to our similarities.

I care about the little things. I care about where you have been, what you have been doing and what you are thinking about.

I think about you a lot and wish I was with you even more. Walking around the mall, shopping for groceries, I just wish that I was with you. It would make it better.

I wish you would text me “Night Nicole” every night. It is a nice way to fall asleep.

I am praying for you. I know that a lot of the responsibility of this is falling on your shoulders. I am praying that you would be wise and that God would show you the right timing for whatever will happen.

I care about you…probably more than I should, but that is part of who I am. I give my whole self to people whether or not they ask for it and in return I care about them.

My favorite times with you are in kitchens. Whether it is cleaning up after Easter or hanging out in my kitchen after Brooke’s party, kitchens hold my favorite memories of you so far.

I was so nervous to meet your parents. I was so pleasantly surprised when they were so similar to you and I was immediately comfortable with them.

I appreciate you. Thank you for making me this happy, even if my heart breaks I have loved being this happy. I think you are a big part of why I am so happy and I thank you for that.

Finally, thank you. Thank you for showing me that there are quality guys still left in the world and I won’t have to have someone that treats me poorly.

You are amazing.

I got a text today from a guy friend. This isn’t abnormal, we actually text every day or so about all sorts of different things. Yesterday we hosted an Easter dinner together for other Easter orphans that didn’t have a place to go to celebrate the Lord’s resurrection.

Today I got a text that said, “Thanks for all your help with the Easter dinner. You are amazing.”

The minute I got it my stomach dropped a bit. Immediately I knew that I would never delete the text. I pretended that the amazing part of the text didn’t happen and sent him a text back but my brain kept thinking about it all day long.

Did he mean it?

Did he mean to use a different word?

Does his definition of amazing and mine match?

I found myself wishing that he used the word awesome. I don’t think that I would have thought twice about the word awesome if he used it, but I have been thinking about the word amazing since I got the text.

Part of me is wishing he meant it and part of me is wishing that he didn’t mean it. If I said it to him I would mean it. He is amazing and I love being around him. But I wish I could have seen his face as he typed it, did he mean amazing or did he mean awesome or great?

I am not one to receive compliments. I have been damaged by guys saying really hurtful things to me over and over. I think the thing that strikes me is that I don’t believe that I have ever been called amazing before and definitely not from someone that I would want to think of me as amazing.

I have been called every name in the book, I have been embarrassed and have had my heart broken more times than I can count. I have no trouble believing that I am worthless or not pretty. I do have trouble believing that someone could find me amazing. I wish for it but it has never happened so I don’t believe in it happening even though I want it to.

I wish he could know that he messed with my head with one word today, but the truth is, he will never find out unless he did mean the word. Amazing. One word that messed up my thoughts for today. One word that if it was actually meant could change my life.

But for now, I will do my best to forget that it was said (aside from keeping the text) and continue praying that God would keep my mind pure towards this guy and that I would view him as a brother and not a potential husband. That has proved through time to be easier said than done.

UPDATE: Turns out he meant the word. That is why this is posted, more posts to come.

Two Sermons

The last two Sundays have been surprisingly hard on me. I wasn’t anticipating it but both left me in tears. Todd Nighswonger has been preaching on the roles of husbands and wives. We have been going through the book of Ephesians and are in 5:22-33. Last week I sat there, listened and took notes on the sermon on wives. I found myself thinking, “I want to be a wife so badly. I want to do all these things so much.” During the message I wanted to shout out to the women in the room, “Don’t you realize how lucky you are? You get to do the things mentioned in this sermon. You get a husband.” After church I went out with two married friends. While talking about a different subject I brought up the sermon. As tears formed in my eyes I told them just how hard it was for me to listen to the sermon. It physically hurt, like a dull pain in the pit of my stomach.

The dull pain didn’t really go away this week. I still wished that I could be that wife.

Today I walked into church nervously. I did think about not going, I figured God would be okay with it. I knew what today would be all about and yet I still went. Afterall, God can still show up even in a message that isn’t geared towards me.

The musical worship started and each song was so carefully selected. They drew our attention to Jesus and His love for us, foreshadowing the sermon of husbands loving their wives as Jesus loves the church. By the third song I had tears in my eyes reflecting on Jesus’ love for me as a member of His church. I also knew what was coming and I was literally crying out to Jesus to meet me where I was.

Todd got on stage and right away I felt the dull pain start and tears coming to my eyes. I got teary on and off through the entire sermon, which painted a beautiful picture of husbands and how they are to love their wives.

On my way out of church a greeter my dad’s age who always gives me hugs came over and gave me a hug. He told me that I looked nice and we talked briefly. He paused, looked at me and said, “I pray for your husband as I am sure that you do.” I looked back at him with tears in my eyes again and thanked him. He then said, “you will make a great wife someday.” I looked back and said, “Thank you and I sure hope so.” That is why I was at church this morning. I needed the body and I needed Greg to tell me that he was praying for a husband for me. I am not the only one praying, God’s people also pray for me.

I left and went on a long drive. I kept asking God why it hurts so much that I am not married. He reminded me that having the desire to be married is good and the pain that I have been experiencing is because I still have that desire and He knows it. It isn’t lost on Him that I desire to be married. While I wait, it is my responsibility to know that God knows me, that He knows my desires and hasn’t forgotten them or me. It is my job to serve Him in the waiting and not let the waiting paralyze me.

Trusting God.

It has been one day since God whispered to me asking if I trusted Him. Yesterday and today have been filled with him whispering to me over and over again. I exhale every time He asks me if I trust Him. I think that exhale is me surrendering over my control to Him again, telling Him that I do trust Him, I trust His heart. I am seeking after Him and will continue to do so.

I have been teaching through the lies that we believe to a group of College girls. Since I started teaching through it I have been inundated with lies. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle each and every day. Since starting to go through this topic I have been so tired emotionally. I feel exhausted all the time and my thoughts have been raging out of control. I have prayed time and time again for God to help me think on things that are true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, excellent and worthy of praise. I have still felt like I was losing the battle and felt so defeated. Until I heard those words, “Do you trust me?”

Since yesterday I have had nothing but peace. Since yesterday I have complete hope in God knowing that He is in control of my life and my thoughts and that I can trust Him and Him alone. He has me. I am His. He knows my life and what He has for me in the future, and I don’t need to know right now. Psalms 23:1- The Lord is My Shepherd, I shall not want.

I am resting in that truth tonight and trusting God with my life.