We are now two weeks into our foster care classes. We are starting to learn more of what we can expect. We are also to be preparing our house to be licensed. We first must be licensed and then we must do a bit more to be placement ready.
For me, this has taken “nesting” to a whole new level. When nesting while pregnant, you know what to expect. You will have a brand new baby coming home and will need all the things that go along with a new baby. There are things that you don’t worry about right away like baby proofing. You know that you new baby won’t be able to move much, so you don’t worry about it. You typically get stuff put up around 3 months after the baby comes home.
With fostering, you never know exactly what age you are going to get, so while we are requesting 0-2 for our first placement, we could get an 18 month old or a newborn. That means that we have to be ready before a baby even is in the picture. Every plug must be plugged, every cord put away. Cabinets locked, all just to be prepared potentially months ahead of time.
I have found this part of the planning to have a “hurry up and wait” feeling. The truth is, we could get a placement days after our home is ready, or we could wait months to get a placement.
The thing is, I want to nest. I recently went to a huge baby store to look at things that I may need. I initially went and looked for child proofing equipment but when I was there I started to think of the other things that I would need. When I was pregnant, I would wander around those stores, so excited. I loved registering for things and planning for my son. With this, I am not sure who I am going to get or how old they may be. For a planner like myself, this makes life a bit difficult. I want to buy things. I want to make sure that I have diapers and formula. (That caused a whole semi panic attack when I realized that I don’t know how formula works).
There are so many unknowns in this. I feel constantly uneasy throughout the day trying to figure out how to make things “perfect” around my house. I am trying to figure out how to do all the right things and cross all the required T’s.
It honestly makes me see how much I do that in my life. The pressure to be perfect is overwhelming. I confess that I don’t often look to the Lord in those moments of stress, but rather rely on my own strength.
If there is anything that I am certain that I will learn from fostering children, it is that I cannot do this on my own strength. I am not that good of a person. I need to rely on the Lord to get me through this. He is the one that is leading this decision and He should be the one that I am running to in the fear.
He already knows. He knows the children who will live with us. He knows who we will get the privilege to adopt and who we will help reunify with their parents. He knows. He knows the heartbreak that we will face. He will be using it to bring us to him. He is leading. God is going to use this tornado to mold us into the people that He wants us to be. It will be my job to rest in that.