This past weekend at church, I was praying and singing to the Lord and I just couldn’t just shake the thought that my body has failed me. As a woman, I should be able to carry a child and grow one. With each cramp or twitch that I feel as the days progress, I feel failed. I have always been in tune with my body and have always understood what was going on. Since the first miscarriage, I have no clue what is going on.
On Sunday, that led me to the thought: My body should not be my hope. I don’t hope in my body for a pregnancy, for a baby to grow and to be able to deliver a baby. My hope should be in the Lord. He is the one who grows babies. He is the one who creates the life. Not my body.
However, the human side of me worries, what if I trust God for this and still don’t get pregnant or do and then miscarry again?
God has felt so quiet in my life over the past couple of years. I know that He is there and He has been faithful, however, it has been hard to trust His goodness. God doesn’t change in the midst of our circumstances. He remains the same. It has been my attitude towards Him that has changed. I am afraid to trust him with my deepest desires.
So, all of this is what I have been processing since then. I don’t have the answers or the next steps, but I am working to put my trust in the Lord.