Month: April 2011

You are amazing.

I got a text today from a guy friend. This isn’t abnormal, we actually text every day or so about all sorts of different things. Yesterday we hosted an Easter dinner together for other Easter orphans that didn’t have a place to go to celebrate the Lord’s resurrection.

Today I got a text that said, “Thanks for all your help with the Easter dinner. You are amazing.”

The minute I got it my stomach dropped a bit. Immediately I knew that I would never delete the text. I pretended that the amazing part of the text didn’t happen and sent him a text back but my brain kept thinking about it all day long.

Did he mean it?

Did he mean to use a different word?

Does his definition of amazing and mine match?

I found myself wishing that he used the word awesome. I don’t think that I would have thought twice about the word awesome if he used it, but I have been thinking about the word amazing since I got the text.

Part of me is wishing he meant it and part of me is wishing that he didn’t mean it. If I said it to him I would mean it. He is amazing and I love being around him. But I wish I could have seen his face as he typed it, did he mean amazing or did he mean awesome or great?

I am not one to receive compliments. I have been damaged by guys saying really hurtful things to me over and over. I think the thing that strikes me is that I don’t believe that I have ever been called amazing before and definitely not from someone that I would want to think of me as amazing.

I have been called every name in the book, I have been embarrassed and have had my heart broken more times than I can count. I have no trouble believing that I am worthless or not pretty. I do have trouble believing that someone could find me amazing. I wish for it but it has never happened so I don’t believe in it happening even though I want it to.

I wish he could know that he messed with my head with one word today, but the truth is, he will never find out unless he did mean the word. Amazing. One word that messed up my thoughts for today. One word that if it was actually meant could change my life.

But for now, I will do my best to forget that it was said (aside from keeping the text) and continue praying that God would keep my mind pure towards this guy and that I would view him as a brother and not a potential husband. That has proved through time to be easier said than done.

UPDATE: Turns out he meant the word. That is why this is posted, more posts to come.

Two Sermons

The last two Sundays have been surprisingly hard on me. I wasn’t anticipating it but both left me in tears. Todd Nighswonger has been preaching on the roles of husbands and wives. We have been going through the book of Ephesians and are in 5:22-33. Last week I sat there, listened and took notes on the sermon on wives. I found myself thinking, “I want to be a wife so badly. I want to do all these things so much.” During the message I wanted to shout out to the women in the room, “Don’t you realize how lucky you are? You get to do the things mentioned in this sermon. You get a husband.” After church I went out with two married friends. While talking about a different subject I brought up the sermon. As tears formed in my eyes I told them just how hard it was for me to listen to the sermon. It physically hurt, like a dull pain in the pit of my stomach.

The dull pain didn’t really go away this week. I still wished that I could be that wife.

Today I walked into church nervously. I did think about not going, I figured God would be okay with it. I knew what today would be all about and yet I still went. Afterall, God can still show up even in a message that isn’t geared towards me.

The musical worship started and each song was so carefully selected. They drew our attention to Jesus and His love for us, foreshadowing the sermon of husbands loving their wives as Jesus loves the church. By the third song I had tears in my eyes reflecting on Jesus’ love for me as a member of His church. I also knew what was coming and I was literally crying out to Jesus to meet me where I was.

Todd got on stage and right away I felt the dull pain start and tears coming to my eyes. I got teary on and off through the entire sermon, which painted a beautiful picture of husbands and how they are to love their wives.

On my way out of church a greeter my dad’s age who always gives me hugs came over and gave me a hug. He told me that I looked nice and we talked briefly. He paused, looked at me and said, “I pray for your husband as I am sure that you do.” I looked back at him with tears in my eyes again and thanked him. He then said, “you will make a great wife someday.” I looked back and said, “Thank you and I sure hope so.” That is why I was at church this morning. I needed the body and I needed Greg to tell me that he was praying for a husband for me. I am not the only one praying, God’s people also pray for me.

I left and went on a long drive. I kept asking God why it hurts so much that I am not married. He reminded me that having the desire to be married is good and the pain that I have been experiencing is because I still have that desire and He knows it. It isn’t lost on Him that I desire to be married. While I wait, it is my responsibility to know that God knows me, that He knows my desires and hasn’t forgotten them or me. It is my job to serve Him in the waiting and not let the waiting paralyze me.

Trusting God.

It has been one day since God whispered to me asking if I trusted Him. Yesterday and today have been filled with him whispering to me over and over again. I exhale every time He asks me if I trust Him. I think that exhale is me surrendering over my control to Him again, telling Him that I do trust Him, I trust His heart. I am seeking after Him and will continue to do so.

I have been teaching through the lies that we believe to a group of College girls. Since I started teaching through it I have been inundated with lies. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle each and every day. Since starting to go through this topic I have been so tired emotionally. I feel exhausted all the time and my thoughts have been raging out of control. I have prayed time and time again for God to help me think on things that are true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, excellent and worthy of praise. I have still felt like I was losing the battle and felt so defeated. Until I heard those words, “Do you trust me?”

Since yesterday I have had nothing but peace. Since yesterday I have complete hope in God knowing that He is in control of my life and my thoughts and that I can trust Him and Him alone. He has me. I am His. He knows my life and what He has for me in the future, and I don’t need to know right now. Psalms 23:1- The Lord is My Shepherd, I shall not want.

I am resting in that truth tonight and trusting God with my life.

Hope. Do I trust God?

Hope in essence is good, it gives us so much. I love the passage in Romans 3: 3-6 that says, “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

I recently had hope. Not a biblical hope, but hope in circumstances. True hope does not disappoint us, it does not let us down. True hope in God alone gives us so much more than we deserve. It gives us a peace and a trust in God’s love.

But I put my hope in circumstances. I let people convince me that the circumstance that I was in would produce a certain outcome. I put my hope in that circumstance and built dreams on that circumstance, but the circumstance changed. It didn’t have the predicted outcome that people said it would and that I hoped in.

Of course I was crushed and I got mad at hope. I got mad because hope made me dream and think things that I shouldn’t have thought about my life and the circumstances of it. I was frustrated and wanted just to be alone and dwell on my sadness.

Instead, God chose to remind me of Himself and that He is the one that I should place my hope in, not circumstances. I was driving to church this morning and was stopped at a red light, the entire drive I had been thinking of the situation and how I felt that the hope that I had had betrayed me. (In essence I was also mad at God for how the circumstances changed.). In the stillness of waiting at a red light, I heard God’s still small voice. He asked me “Do you trust me?” The minute I heard it I exhaled a deep breath.

The truth is that I do trust God with my life. I do trust Him with what He has planned for my life. I do trust His willingness to work in my life. But in the extinguishing of my hope in circumstances I forgot who was in charge. I forgot that I trust someone with my whole life and heart and that trust in Him is what I should rely on at all times.

I forgot that He knows me better than I know myself. I forgot that He loves me more than anyone else. Throughout the whole church service I heard the small voice, “Do you trust me?” I heard it over and over again and I exhaled a deep breath every time. I do believe it. I do trust God and that He has my whole life in His plan. Now I just need to remember to trust Him as He guides me.